


Oh god why, why have you allowed me to create this?

by DoubleTrouble007



Series: Shitfics/stream of consciousness that I really should stop writing but I don't [2]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Diarrhea, I Don't Even Know, I just needed, M/M, Stream of Consciousness, This is a shit fic, i just, like seriously, massive dicks, shit fic, shitfic, the words, word vomit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-03
Updated: 2017-12-03
Packaged: 2019-02-10 00:19:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12899958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoubleTrouble007/pseuds/DoubleTrouble007
Summary: A stream of consciousness I should probably burn my computer for typing this on, but instead I have uploaded here to prove to my friend I could write 2000 words in under an hour. Hahahaha I hate myself.It's halloween and Yuuri is enjoying the American holiday by watching horror movies and cheating on his diet! Of course, what happens when he has to go on the elevator for some reason?Binktop. Bootyful, bootyful, Binktop.(there are enough spelling and grammar mistakes to make a unicorn cry. You have been warned.)





	Oh god why, why have you allowed me to create this?

**YUURI AND VIKTOR HAVE SEX In ELEEVATOR.**

**VIKTOR IS A UNICORN.**

 

Yuuri had his entire night planned out. Phichit was out partying with Leo and Guang Hong, tagging Yuuri every time he uploaded a new picture, which was nearly every 5 minutes, in hopes of getting Yuuri to change his plan to include partying.  

But Yuuri had a plan. There was to be no partying with loud music and cold costumes that barely covered anything- no, he had on his comfy pikaCHU onsie thing he bought online when he was drunk, and then was too lazy to return it when it arrived. It made for just enough festivenss that Yuuri felt like it was the perfect costume for him for Halloween. Phichit just scoffed when he saw Yuuri's outfit, thinking Yuuri was just weraing his pajamas (which he had worn the onsies as pajamas before so like, that was fair) but no, it was his costume today, baby. 

Yes. 

And so now Yuuri had a plan. He had his costume, displaying his partaking of the American culture with their capiltisim driven holidays that also gave him an excuse to not only dress up in pajamas all day, but also, my friends, to buy candy for 'trick or treators'. Of course, being poor college studetns that can only afford poor college student housing, no one trick or treated at his place, so being the only person in the apartment with a costume, Yuuri felt oblidged to give himself the treats.  

Then, there were many halloween movies on the menu, to further indulge in the champion holiday that is Halloween and better than the other holidays because candy and pajamas all day, yes thanks. I mean, Yuuri probably should be like, staying in shape for the upcoming skating thing where he needs to sktae in like skin tight suits but you know what this is a fanfic and I literally have just an hour to finish a 2000 word piece so it's how it is. Yes, I do hate myself, thank you for wondering. 

Right, Yuuri. And his plan. 

So Yuuri is settling down on the old couch he and Phichit found for free on the Craigslist, only needing to deep clean the fabric three times with 5 sanitzing cycles before it was safe to sit on, the movies set up in his queue and a bowl of sugary mistakes at his side. 

But then he realized something. 

Something... 

He realized.... 

Was that. 

He needed... 

To go out. Of his apartment. Um. For something. That he realized he needed.  

It was annoying, to be forced to go out of his apartment for this thing he needed, but he really did need it, so he had to get out of the wedge he created for himself on the couch, leaving behind his laptop and candy to do the thing that really has to be done... outside of his apartment. 

Right, so like, even though Yuuri lives in super cheap housing, there is an elevator in his building. The building manager can't afford to fix the god damn leaky faucet but wowza there is an elevator how nice. Perhaps because it is student housing, they ignore the needs of the students in the housing and just used all the money for elevator because the manager like, has a thing for elevators. So they bought an elevator (is that how it works?) instead of fixing anything because capitalism is a plague on society. 

So Yuuri's going to the elevator, in his pikaCHU onsie, the hallway outside his apartment rather quiet because everyone else is partying or not being an asshole and wearing some FREAKING HEADPHONES BECAUSE WHEN YOU LIVE IN CHEAP ASS houseing ou gottA USE HEADPHONES BECAUSE THOSE WALLS ARE THIN WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE HOLY SHIT PEOPLE WHY. 

Yes, so the not assholes are using headphones and everyone else is out partying, so the hallway is quiet as Yuuri walks down it to the elevator that their cheap housing manager is in love with. Yes. 

Yuuri pushes the button, briefly considering taking the stairs instead to at least pretend he's trying ot work off the candy but the last time he did creepy Jake was on the stiars and no one wants to deal with creepy Jake. But then the doors of this elevator open and OH GOD.  

There is an angle, no, angel. An Angel of epic angles, yes, there, so beautiful. Yuuri blushes, matching the red cheeks on his pikaCHU costume as he takes in the sight of the angular angel before him. 

Viktor. Nikiforrr, Nikifooffoov, NIkiiii-Russian something. 

Yes, his soulmate.  

Yuuri was sure of it. But then he has anxiety and has never actually attempted a conversation with this Russian angel of angles so like not 100% sure but still pretty sure. In any case, Yuuri was stunned by the sudden appeareance of this Russian angle and froze.  

At first Viktor smiled at Yuuri, a polite 'oh you're in costume? I mean it's just pajamas but like good on you, man', but the smile became strained as Yuuri continued to stand there, mind blank as he searched for thoughts that didn't relate to Viktor's sinful costume. 

Sinful... Yes. This costume was in fact, that. Word.  

He was a uncironw. Unicorn.  

Although Yuuri had seen costumes that shown too much of the human flesh as being too... much, now that idea was changing as he looked at the angeeel before him. YEs. VIKTOR. 

VIKTOR WAS IN BOOTTY SHORTS. Yuuri bite his lip, glad the onsie was loose on him, for he sprung a boner just at the sight of beautiful russian angel man. In Botty shorts. There were gloves, white ones, with fur along the edges like... a cat toy. Yeah. A cat toy.  

And a collar... he was not a cat, though, despite all my writing kind of going in that direction suggestion, but the horn he had artfully placed on a headband in his hair was like, not what you see on a cat so obviously Victor the angle was a booty-ful unicorn. Why am I writing this. 

Yes, he was beautiful, sexy, and now Yuuri was walking the plank so to speak. 

"Are you coming on?" Viktor asks, looking only slightly weired out by the odd forward stance Yuuri was taking in order not to let his massive boner scare his bootyful soul mate angle away. The stance... it was like, imagine a chicken, well, not an acutal chicken, but the position someone takes when they imitate a chicken, with their arms bent at their sides as they lean forward to peck at imaginary grains on the ground. It was kind of like that, but Yuuri was PikaHCU, so it was weird. 

But at least Viktor didn't see the boner! 

Hahahahha. 

I can't upload this. This is trash. I need sleep. 

NO I NEED MORE WORDS. 

The doors began to close, Yuuri losing sight of his bootyful russian angel angle, before a glove with white fur trim shot out and held the doors back.  

"Dude?" Viktor would probably never actually use this term, but this is a college (?) AU so like, it works. Yuuri's face blushed a bright red, leaning even farther forward as his boner grew like... a foot at seeing Viktor's amazing reflexes. 

"Um, actually, I'm going to take the stairs," Yuuri said, still hunched over as he awkwardly shuffled his way over towards the stairs. Viktor, still holding onto the sides of the elevaator, sucked in a breaht. 

"Oh, yeah, I don't think you wanna do that. Creepy Jake is out there tonight, and I'm pretty sure he's wearing the Emperor's New Clothes as a costume..." Vitkor the bootyful said, his eyes trailing over towards where the stairs were and where creepy Jake was undoubtably living up to his name sake. 

"O-oh," Yuuri looked between the elevator and the stairs, and decided to shuffle his erected self into the elevator and hope against hope that nothing would happen that would let Viktor his soul mate know about the impossibly large banana he was hiding in his pocket.  

Viktor gave him a nice smile as Yuuri settled in, still hunched over because wow Viktor what is your ab routine for those 8 packs? Is that possible? It is when you can write whatever your stream of barely there consciousness wants. And it wants Viktor to have an 8 pack. So he does. 

Oh my lord only 600 words left thank fu-. 

"Yuuri, right?" Viktor asks, still smiling that nice little smile as the elevator doors finally closed and trapped them together.  

Yuuri's heart was ready to jump out of his chest from beating so fast with angle so near, but at the sound of his name in the other man's vocal box, well, that heart stopped beating and Yuuri nearly began craving brains because he was like, legally dead for a second there. 

I mean, the blood was still pumping faithfully in his erection, but like, his heart had definitely stopped for a moment. 

It was only Yuuri's need to not look completely stupid in front of Viktor (dying from just hearing your soulmate say your name is probably kind of a little bit of a stupid way to handle it so...) that allowed Yuuri to stay alive. And respond! Amazing, Yuuri. You go. 

"How do you know my name?" Yuuri asked, the word count nearly fulfilled and my written sex quota decidably not, so we need to move this along Yuuuuri. 

"We have like, all our classes together. You're also in all of the same clubs I am. I literally see you everywhere I go. I've seen you dig through my trash every Thursday night. The only reason I haven't reported you to campus security for stalking me is because I think you have a nice ass," Viktor said in his bootyful beauty of a voice. 

Yuuri gasped, before completely changing character because I really don't have that many words left, and moving forward, making Binktop move back until like, Binkky hit the wall of the elevator and Yuuri like, caged him in with his muscluar arms that... are hidden under the loose pikaCHU costume onsie. Wow, sexy Yuuri.  

"I can show you what else is nice," Yuuri says, also completely out of character as he only somewhat bashfully unhunches and allows the epic tent in his onsie the freedom it probably never should have. 

It was Binktop's turn to gasp. "I-Is that a banana? Or a sword? It seems too big to be a banana. Yuuri, you shouldn't carry around a sword, that's dangerous." 

"It's not a sword," Yuuri gasped again because I can't think of anything else he would be doing right now as he gets closer to Viktor and a possible lawsuit if this was real life before brsuhing the hot length still incaged by pikaCHU's yellow clothing against BINKKY. 

"Oh damn," Viktor whipsered, his own booty shorts suddenly much tighter as he too grew an erection that was so big they should probably go to the hopsital like really it ain't natural. But let's also pretend it's hot so. 

Yes. 

The elevator suddenly shuddered and graoned, the movement throwing Yuuri off blaance and right into Viktor, their impressive (and concerning) erections brushing against each other thoruhg their clohting they still have on because they have some sort of decency damnit. 

The lights in the elevator disappeared, and it took only a moment for the two of them to forgo any illusion of decency before ripping off their clothes. 

WEll... okay I did say I would write porn.  

Okay, so they are now naked, with erections that could be compared to actual long swords or something, maybe an arm? Just flailing about and sometimes making them moan with those huge meatsticks brushed against each other in the dark. 

"We could die at any moment, we should really call for help or something-" 

"No, yyyruuurrrui, you are my soul mate. We must do this now or... I mean it's probably actual a good idea to like call someone-." Yuuri cut off his Russian angle by stealing a passionate kiss that was full of passion and beauty, sparks flying but not out of the stupid borken elevator thank goodness as they grinding their massive lengths together and OH GOD I HIT THE 2000 WORD MARK HOLY SHIT THANK THE LORD IT IS BEFORE MIDNIGTH DREAMS DO COME TRUE WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF OKAY GOTTA enD IT NOW. 

They have the sex and nearly kill each other in the process with their massive lengths, but like they have fun so it's all good. And then while their dozing in each other's arms, still naked with their massive penises resting on each other's shoulders like god damn ferrets, firefighters or whoever saved the day (creepy jake?) gets the elevator open and then ushers them both to the hospital because holy shit no one should have a penis that big. 

And they all lived hpappily everryah aftah. _FUCK._

_OVER 2000 WORDS IN LESS THAN AN HOUR MOTHER FUC-_

**Author's Note:**

> :D wow how did you even read this i don't even know but congrats! and I'm so, so sorry....


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